You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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