I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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