It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
