I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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