i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I AM VODKA MAN
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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