this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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