2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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