what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
