i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize