I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
