You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
