Don't EVER smell your tampon
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
