Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize