She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
