It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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