the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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