i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
