I like my sex mixed with concussions.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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