the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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