I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
