im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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