Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
