I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
