How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We talked him into tasing himself.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
