I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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