the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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