you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
