i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
