Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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