i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
