i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Green mimosas i think yes
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
