The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I smell like Dick and happiness
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
