You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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