Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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