I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize