We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
