pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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