I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize