Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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