The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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