I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize