I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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