i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
