The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
