I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You pole danced in your parka.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
