I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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