last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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