Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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