Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
