And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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