she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
