i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
