you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
