if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
