At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
