Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
