I hate your face
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
