I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
