how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
