Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
