I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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